So much real estate, so little difference

Seemingly, like most of Melbournian’s under the age of 35, I spent much of the weekend discussing property, looking at property, thinking about property, seeing friend’s who’ve moved into property and just wanting the search to be over so that I could be sitting in the living room of my dreams. And there was a little moment after about 5 coffee’s, three wrong turns and 60 minutes between open for inspections that a small shudder crept down my spine as I wondered ‘how has it got to this’.

But it was only when, comfortably back in the safety of my current home, scrolling through looking at all the listing’s that they all blurred into one. Not one property stands out as I type this. I can’t recall a single major difference in any of the properties. I must have scrolled through 100 apartments and houses in ever wider circles out from the original ‘ideal’ suburb. But truly I can’t remember one. They’re all ‘light filled’, ‘sun drenched’, ‘easy access to shops’, ‘close public transport’ oasis’s that you can’t help but wonder where those really crumby apartments are. You almost end up wanting to see one just so you can say ‘phew, well at least we didn’t buy that’.

Gawd, what I would have done for an awesome piece of creative, marketing, copy in there. I’d go to check it out even if I couldn’t afford it, even if  I didn’t want to live there, I’d still go, just because they put in the effort, because it was different and because it was fun.

Stock standard property description:

This well positioned delightful two-bedroom solid brick terrace combines the best of Victorian style with a modern renovation to create a warm, light-filled home with separate dining room, full-width living area and stylish north-facing courtyard. Comprising two double bedrooms with BIRs and open fireplaces, a bright modern bathroom with large bath and skylight, modern kitchen with s/steel appliances and dishwasher, and a separate laundry, this is an outstanding opportunity to move straight in and make the most of the wonderful location.

– Wide hallway; bright living, dining and kitchen with abundant natural light
– North-facing garden courtyard with ROW
– Underfloor central heading; air-con
– Ideally situated close to transport and all amenities
– 2 bedrooms/1 bathroom/1 car

The sort of property description that would be fun to see:

This delightful two-bedroom solid brick terrace is the perfect place to ward off ninja’s and, in the event of nuclear strike, zombies. Combining the best of Victorian engineering security with a 3 inch solid Oak door, and almost indestructible bullet proof glass windows, ninja’s certainly won’t be able attack you while you sleep at night. With a government approved electrified roof and complete with underfloor ducted heating which can, at a second’s notice, be filled with sleep gas, you’re sure to feel safe all up in yo haus.

With a modern renovation to create a warm, light-filled home and separate dining room, should you need a fall back position, in the event that zombies learn drive a car through the front door you’ll be safe for a decent enough period of time to hatch a proper escape plan as you fire shotgun shell after shotgun shell down the elegant hallway. The full-width living area complete with Kevlar drop blanket and 6 flash bang grenades (currently hidden in wall access) will give you enough space to store food rations, water and ammo as you reload your 12 gauge known lovingly as ‘pumpy’.

Protecting your family has never been so affordable and stylish. The north-facing front and back courtyard’s have Kim Jong Il approved anti-tank and anti-personnel landmines.

Comprising two double bedrooms each with Built in Recovery centres (BIRs) complete with enough room for 2 hours of oxygen and breathing apparatus, because you never know when and where you’ll be when ninja’s and or zombies attack. Each bedroom room also comes equipped with open fireplaces – which I recommend you keep a 4 gallon drum of petrol and a set of 6 pump-n-light nite-bright flares next to. The bright modern bathroom with large bath and skylight is a trap for anyone trying to assault you through the roof as the bath surface has been laced with the secretions of the Brazilian Poison Dart Frog.

The modern kitchen comes complete with stainless steel appliances which are non-magnetic so thrown objects like grenade’s and Claymore’s won’t stick like a bitch. You can keep the dishwasher too, it may be useful for a last ditch attempt for blinding your foes with steam. The house also has a separate laundry (third fall back room).

This is an outstanding opportunity to move straight in and raise a family safe in the knowledge that should you be under assault from medieval Japanese assassin’s or the undead you’ll have the best chance of survival in residential Melbourne.

Take note this house is situated in easy access of several major roads and arterials should you need to flee in your Delorian.

Strategic features worth noting:

– Wide hallway; bright living, dining and kitchen with abundant natural light – even if the lights go out, in a daylight assault you’ll be able to see your enemy clearly.
– North-facing garden courtyard with ROW (ROW stands for Row of Weapons. note: weapons are concealed, but if you buy this property I’ll show you where they all are)- Underfloor central heading; air-con – warm in winter, cool in summer, controlling your environment is a key strategic advantage.
– Ideally situated close to transport and all amenities – supplies and total escape are just a quick 90kmh, 5 minute tyre-smoking-Delorian-adrenaline packed drive away.
– 2 bedrooms/1 bathroom/1 car

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